By Fred Van Patten

Shatnerquake, get it at Backlist Books in Massillon

“Sniveling little sycophantic shits,” thought William Shatner, looking from the limo’s back seat.

The limo pulled past the front entrance of the hotel and headed for the back.

“Thank God I don’t have to deal with them.  Yet.”

A crowd of several hundred people milled about the colossal arched doorway. Some were dressed in Starfleet uniforms, some dressed as police officers, some in lawyerish suits. Most were simply dressed in jeans and t-shirts.  Many of the shirts had Shatner’s face plastered on the front.

Shatner looked at the people and he stared back from dozens of different chests.

They were mostly young men but a few women peppered the crowd.

“At least I might get some tail out of this.”

So begins a fun little gem of a book you won’t find at any chain store, titled Shatnerquake by Jeff Burk.   This compact novel is one example of a new style of writing called Bizarro Literature.   Bizarro is described as the literary equivalent of the cult classic section at the video store, and it lives up to that concept with a huge array of books that veer between the literary and the pornographic, while staying entertaining and humorous.   Whereas movies such as Eraserhead or The Toxic Avenger would certainly qualify as cult classic films, Bizarro has its own seminal works such as Satan Burger or Ass Goblins of Auschwitz.

Unlike the usual literary “cutting edge” figures such as Pynchon or Delillo, the best of Bizarro does not require a Master’s in English, advanced knowledge of semiotics, a turtleneck, dark black glasses or a keen understanding of the difference between Baudelaire and Baudrillard.  Just $10 and a spare couple of hours are all you need to catch some of the most fun, innovative writing you’ll come across in years.

The basic plot of Shatnerquake is as follows:  Terrorist fans of Bruce Campbell (Campbellians) hatch a scheme to blow up hated archenemy William Shatner at the first Shatnercon.  Instead of destroying Shatner, the bomb backfires and makes all of Shatner’s TV personalities come to life.  They all become fixated on killing the real William Shatner.   To state the obvious, chaos ensues.

Shatnerquake brings the ruckus but what differentiates it from other fan fiction is the gleeful destruction (desecration?) of all that Trekkies find holy.  One example is the character “Bob”, who has had cosmetic surgery to resemble Shatner and also manages to wear a matching suit to the convention.

“It was really quite easy to figure out which outfit you would go with. You wear roughly the same thirteen configurations for public appearances. There was then the consideration of major con versus minor con, this obviously being a major con. That eliminated six possibilities. From there it was a simple matter of reviewing your last twenty-eight appearances and comparing that to your public dress history.  Could you sign it to: My Number 1 Fan, Bob?”

Of course this isn’t a book only about spoofing convention fans; this work is, in all seriousness, an homage to William Shatner’s strangely compelling personas.  T.J. Hooker, Priceline Shatner, Boston Legal’s Denny Crane, and of course, William T. Kirk all get some page time, wisecracks and in-jokes while relentlessly hunting down the real Shatner.

Any kid with a childhood in the early to mid-80s probably spent some time vaulting over rocks, cars, what have you, shouting “look out, Hooker, it’s gonna blow!”, while re-enacting T.J. Hooker’s weekly ritual of yet another Buick Oldsmobile blown to oblivion by a fortuitous gunshot to the gas tank. That spirit of active play and juvenile humor is captured to perfection in Shatnerquake, a book that doesn’t overstay its welcome or become predictable, which in this day of serial vampire novels (they sparkle! See, it’s different!!), political diatribes, and literary fiction, is a welcome and refreshing break from the tedious norm.   If all that doesn’t get you, then maybe a quote from page 56 will – “Oh sh*t, Captain Kirk’s got a lightsaber!”

Shatnerquake is available online at eraserheadpress.com, or at Backlist Books, which specializes in bizarro fiction, in Massillon, Ohio.

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