Hipster chicks and lumberjack lovers alike dig great beards. Sources of manly power for centuries, beards were highly regarded in ancient Egypt, Rome, Greece and India. Beards were a sign of power and masculinity and honor. Moses couldn’t have freed his people without the powers of the giant yak on his face. So, in celebration of “No Shave November” we’re honoring the most epic beards in history. We’ve thrown in some more recent beards as well. Beware ladies. It’s about to get hot in here. Abraham Lincoln He freed the slaves. He (arguably) unified the nation. He grew one of the most recognizable beards in American history. Lincoln’s beard fed on Confederate troops, spat justice and shat liberty. It is rumored that his beard actually grew in colored like the stars and stripes. Yet, as powerful as Lincoln’s beard was, it couldn’t survive the assault by John Wilkes Booth’s mustache. Charles Darwin Darwin’s truly epic beard enabled him to closely study the finch population of the Galapagos Islands, which led to his theory of natural selection. The finches recognized his beard as a nesting place. Before Darwin knew it, he had a face full of peckers. If his theory holds true, Darwin’s beard is the grand daddy of every beard on every hipster in the world today. Jesus It wasn’t Jesus who turned water into wine. It wasn’t Jesus who cured the blind. It wasn’t Jesus who walked on water. It was his beard. Jesus’ beard taught him to turn the other cheek. Originally, turning the other cheek was simply a way of confirming the epicness of one’s facial hair. Jesus’ holy beard of purity and goodness also has its own halo. Seriously. Epic Beard Man In February many of us were treated to a video on youtube.com featuring Epic Beard Man in all of his glory. Epic Beard Man’s 15 minutes of fame quickly turned into a mythology of “epic” proportions. Epic Beard Man, aka Tom Slick, stuck up for himself on a public bus and kicked the shit out of a punk who was causing a ruckus. Epic Beard Man is in his 60s. His beard also is known to draw its power from the sun. Karl Marx Karl Marx usually gets bad press. Marx, considered one of the founding fathers of modern social science, believed in worker revolutions, class warfare and communism. His most famous work, The Communist Manifesto, can be found in libraries of anarchists and liberals alike. Yet inside his beard, Marx conducted social experiments. His beard was filled colonies of workers who shared everything. Nobody prospered. Nobody was unique. And everybody was known as “comrade”. Saddam Hussein Usually when people think of good ole Saddam they think of a corrupt Iraqi regime known for its hatred and destruction. Saddam at one time had an epic stash. But when Saddam was found hiding in a hole in the ground, he was sporting one hell of a beard. Saddam’s beard was so epic the military had to shave it off to identify him! And guess what? That’s where the military found Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction! Zeus What a badass. Zeus is the king of gods. He’s the ruler of Mt. Olympus. And he rules with an iron fist and a lightning bolt blasting beard. Nobody screwed with Zeus in his day. Mortals and gods alike knew Zeus’ beard was capable of snapping necks, destroying cities and bringing down hellfire onto anything that pissed it off. Fidel Castro Beards must be the international symbol for communism. Castro, the former leader of Cuba is a hero to many and an enemy to many more. His overthrow of the U.S.-backed dictatorship of Batista marked an important moment in Cuban history. From that moment forth, Cuba would be ruled by a beard. Castro’s beard gave the United State the finger many times. It also enjoys cigars and reruns of Beverly Hills 90210. It cried when Donna lost her virginity. Osama bin Laden America’s number one enemy also has one of the world’s number one epic beards. Osama bin Laden’s beard is solely responsible for international terrorism, the apocalypse and shaken baby syndrome. It’s not known what bin Laden would look like without his beard. When he was born, doctors pulled him (by his beard) from an evil bearded camel he called Mommy. Ever since, bin Laden’s beard has been his trademark and his right hand man. ZZ Top How could we forget these guys? Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill both have amazing biker beards. Aside from the usual choreography on stage, ZZ Top’s two main performers often coax their beards into high-fiving during “Sharp Dressed Man”. Each beard has its own dressing room, performing contract and personal assistant. Once in 1978, Billy Gibbon’s beard was sued for defacing public property in Central Park. Since then his beard has gotten two tattoos and several outrageous piercings. Dusty Hill’s beard has mentioned retiring to the mountains of West Virginia. VH1 is currently producing a documentary highlighting the beards’ ups and downs.