The following was transcribed from a cassette tape found outside a local movie theatre. The tape contained mainly a man’s voice. Other voices can be heard throughout the tape. The editors of this publication have done their best to preserve the original pronunciation, inflection and tone of the aforementioned voices. The editors have come to affectionately call the man’s voice, “The Man”.

Attendant: May I help you?
The Man: (coughing) Yes, uh…I need two tickets to the ape movie.
Attendant: Two?
The Man: The ape movie.
Attendant: Two tickets?
The Man: Well ya man.
Attendant: Are you expecting somebody?
The Man: What do you mean?
Attendant: (she sighs) Are you going to watch Planet of the Apes by yourself?
The Man: Sure
Attendant: It’ll be $8.50. The screen is on your right.
The Man: Cool

(At this point in the recording we hear The Man apparently find his seat in the theater. The previews roll…)
The Man: Whoa man…Gnarly!…Sharks! That’s so cool. K-o-o-o-l…aid. I like Kool-Aid. It’s like a chilly band aid for your belly. Soooo good. Grape is king.
(The recording stops here. It begins sometime during The Planet of the Apes.)
The Man: I wonder how they pissed off that ape. He looks super pissed, like they must have taken his baby away or something. Must have been hard working with all those monkeys. I bet they eat like so much. Tons of bananas. I bet they like peanut butter too. Aw man, I need some chow man … I’m super empty.
(He leaves the screen and goes to the concession stand.)
Attendant: Yes? Sir?
(Silence)
Attendant: Sir? Are you ready to order?
The Man: Popcorn, candy, nachos and a soda please.
Attendant: Do you want large—
The Man: Super large.
Attendant: Twenty-seven—
The Man: Sweet thanks senorita…Senor-eaata. Popcorn…so good.
(Unaware of his surroundings, The Man enters a different screen.)
The Man: Whoa. What did they do to those apes! They must be cruel cruel people man. Keeping them in a diaper…that’s damn cruel! Blue?! Damn that animal testing!
(He apparently watches the rest of the film, then leaves the screen.)
Attendant: What did you think?
The Man: Those little blue monkeys were awesome! They were tortured for half the movie then wham! They’re blue and in charge! So cool man. So cool. I wish I was blue and in charge. That would be rad man. I give Planet of the Apes ten stars!

Attendant: But you walked out of The Smurfs…
The Man: Oh yea?

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