Primary season is quickly approaching. With the race for the GOP presidential nominee heating up, media outlets are glutted with sound bites, slogans and sales pitches all vying for your attention. With so many undecided voters out there, Buzzbin’s top political analysts have pooled their collective Beltway resources to compile the following guide — a candidate-bycandidate rundown of what America would look like under each of the current Republican nominees. Mitt Romney Taking a page out of his days running Bain Capital, Romney sells off the underperforming states to China. By losing the states that systematically vote against their own economic interests in favor of antiquated social issues, he loses his key constituency and guarantees his historical status as a one-term president. Rick Perry George W. Bush comes to understand what it’s like to live in a time and place where the most powerful elected official in the most powerful nation in the world is a reactionary, reactive, cowboy-talking ideologue from Texas with a fuzzy grasp of both cultural awareness and historical context. He spends the remainder of Perry’s presidency feeling really, really bad. Herman Cain His presidency will be mired in scandal once the country realizes Cain is the former CEO of a terrible pizza chain and not the dad from “There’s Something About Mary” like they originally thought. After being removed from office, he will be succeeded by his vice president, Papa John. America will complain that the country is not as good as it used to be, but good enough so long as they remain a little drunk and a lot of garlic dipping sauce is provided. Michelle Bachmann Bachmann will be caught up in the great disappearance with the coming of the Rapture, leaving the White House, Senate and House of Representatives void of Evangelical Christians. Those left behind will say “Thank God” for the first time in their lives and actually mean in. Ron Paul Paul will have no regrets about dismantling FEMA even after his presidency is declared a national disaster. In his first State of the Union address, he will say to the American people,“You voted for Ron Paul. What did you think was going to happen?” Newt Gingrich Experts inform Gingrich that the long-term health and future prospects of the country are much bleaker than he originally thought. In response — when America is at its worst and needs Gingrich’s stalwart fidelity the most — he begins a secret and torrid affair with the younger, sexier Canada. In an odd twist of irony, Gingrich showers Canada with so many gifts from Tiffany’s that he single-handedly stabilizes America’s lagging economy. Rick Santorum In an interview with “The Advocate,” Santorum admits that when he compared homosexuality to bestiality, he meant it as a compliment. Jon Huntsman Huntsman is a moderate who believes in global warming, evolution, the separation of church and state and, to paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, that a politician can best serve their party by serving their country first. His time in office will be defined by intellectual curiosity, open-mindedness, bipartisan compromise and an almost immediate impeachment. Though the following GOP heavyweights have yet to throw their hats into the ring, it’s a long road between now and Election Day. With no clear frontrunner as of yet, and with so many votes still up for grabs, anything can happen. Sarah Palin Remember that fever dream of an interview Palin gave Katie Couric where she claimed Alaska’s proximity to Russia as her foreign policy experience? Yeah, well, over half the electorate sure didn’t. Chris Christie Christie resigns the presidency when he learns he has to spend the next four years in the White House and not White Castle. Mike Huckabee Huckabee claims God spoke to him, telling him to run for president. Which is the same claim made by Bachmann, Cain and both Ricks. When asked to clarify which candidate he endorsed, God denies three times that he’s heard of any of these people. Barack Obama In a last-ditch effort to pass his American Jobs Act, President Obama switches parties and denounces his own bill. In the ensuing scramble to do the opposite of everything Obama does, all current Republicans join the Democratic Party and unanimously pass every measure of the bill into law.