Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I like it for a few reasons. For one, it’s patriotic: We invented the damn holiday ourselves, instead of borrowing a mishmash of ancient, confused European traditions (A pine tree in the house? Dressing up like corpses? Sending love poems on cut-outs of human organs?). For another, it’s biologically satisfying: Our invented holiday is designed to appeal to the most basic components of the human id, the part of our brain that breaks down desire into things like FOOD and SEX and SLEEP. It’s true that one rarely gets laid on Thanksgiving (George Carlin blamed it on all the coats being on the bed), but the FOOD and subsequent SLEEP (and later, a football game) are so good that it almost doesn’t matter.
We’re upping the ante. We’re ready to load your Thanksgiving arsenal with some recipes that will make your mother cry and your brother call the cops. We’re ready for a Turkey Day menu that will require three trips to the liquor store, a herd’s worth of bacon and a firearms permit.
Vodka-Infused Turkey
Yield: 1 14-pound turkey
Paul Loftus, a press-crazed NYC restaurateur, came up with
this recipe, which involves soaking a turkey in nearly a
quart of 100-proof liquor. Hope nobody’s driving home. (Bonus: This recipe requires a meat injector, also an excellent sexual euphemism.)
14 lb. turkey
2 bunch thyme
2 bunch oregano
2 bunch sage
1 carrot, peeled and diced
1 onion, peeled and diced
2 stems celery, diced
6 oz olive oil
8 oz fresh cranberries
4 oz Georgi Vodka each in the following flavors: peach, apple, cherry, orange and lemon
8 oz Georgi Blue Vodka (100 proof)
Place turkey breast-down the night before with vegetables, half the herbs, cranberries and flavored vodka. Refrigerate to marinate. The next day, turn the turkey breast-up and cover with herbs and vegetables. Roast at 375 degrees for three hours. Blend the remaining fresh herbs, olive oil and Blue Vodka; inject into turkey.
Cheese-Stuffed Deep-Fried Mashed Potato Balls
Yield: 10 balls
It’s hard to improve on mashed potatoes—but cheese and deep-frying, in this recipe from Casa Veranacion, should do it. This is good for demolishing leftovers, too, and we won’t mention how good they are dipped in ranch.
1-1/2 c. mashed potatoes (pick your favorite recipe)
10 1/2-inch cubes mozzarella
1/2 c. panko crumbs
2 c. vegetable oil
Heat the oil in a wok or deep skillet. Using a spoon, form mashed potatoes into balls; make an indentation in the middle and press in a mozzarella cube. Cover the cheese with the potatoes. Roll the potato balls in panko, lightly patting to make them stick.
Drop the potato balls one by one into hot oil. Serve as soon as the crumbs turn golden brown.
Joe’s Incredible Bacon Pumpkin Pie
Yield: 2 10-inch pies
We don’t know who Joe is—but you knew this was bound to happen anyway. This calls for actually cutting up a fresh pumpkin, but you could substitute the canned stuff. To hell with Joe.
1/2 c. cubed fresh pumpkin
1-1/2 c. cream cheese, softened
1 c. packed brown sugar
3 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 c. half-and-half
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. ginger
1/2 tsp. allspice
1/2 tsp. cloves
2 (10 inch) graham cracker crusts
16 slices maple-cured bacon
Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Bring a small pot of salted water to a boil; add the pumpkin and cook until soft enough to easily pierce with a fork, about 10 minutes. Drain.
Mash the cooked pumpkin with a potato masher in a large bowl. Mix in cream cheese and brown sugar. Whisk in the eggs one at a time. Add vanilla, half-and-half and spices; stir until mixture is slightly thinner than pancake batter. Pour equally into crusts.
Fry bacon in a large skillet over medium heat. Trim soft, fatty bits from strips [editor’s note: if you’re a wimp]. Press 7 pieces of bacon into each pie with a fork.
Bake for 15 minutes. Decrease the heat to 375 degrees F and top each pie with two remaining slices of bacon. Bake another 30 minutes, or until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean. Allow to cool completely before serving.
