Dear Jara,
Recently I started trying to find my old high school fling online. We were only teenagers at the time. Now well into my 40s, I’m divorced and wondering if she was the “one.” Do you know how to find people?
Signed,
Private Eyes
Dear Private Eyes,
No. I have no idea. And it definitely wouldn’t be anything called Facebook, definitely not. Or Google. Or the whole goddamn Internet. I guess you’re just doomed.
Dear Jara,
You seem like a cool chic. Do you have a boyfriend?
Signed,
Just Sayin’
Dear Just Sayin’,
Thanks, dude. And yes, I have a boyfriend. I assume you meant “chick” instead of “chic.” But you probably make mistakes like “where”/“were” and “your”/“you’re.” So, you see, it would never work out.
Dear Jara,
My friend’s wife keeps coming on to me. She has even showed me her vagina when he is not around. I’d hit it but I know he’d kill me. Nothing has happened and I won’t let it but I think she feels like there is something there with me and there isn’t. She acts like we are cheating together in front of him. Do I tell him or what?
Signed,
AWKWARD
Dear Awkward,
PLEASE tell me how someone shows you a vagina when no one’s looking. That is good stuff. She’s a total dirtbag and she’s probably doing this vagina flash to other guys as well. The answer is yeah, you need to tell your dude. Immediately. It will probably boil down to he said/she said and it may not go your way. Hopefully you can get some incriminating evidence to help your case — maybe get her to send you a vagina photo. You get the idea. Be ready for him not to believe you. Maybe he will try to fight you. But better this way then him stumbling onto something that only LOOKS like you guys were cheating and then you’re screwed. So, yeah. You can’t bang her, so tell him.
Dear Jara,
Okay, my buddy says I am weird because I always make my girlfriends take sexy pictures of themselves in Cleveland jerseys. I’m just a huge Cleveland fan and I like to support the team. I usually post them online for my forum buddies to see. There is no problem here, is there?
Signed,
Jersey Love
Dear Jersey,
You’re totally fine.
Dear Jara,
I have been spending every day at this bar trying to pick up the bartender. She is hot, flirty and seems like what I want in a girlfriend. At this point all I seem to be doing is wasting my money. Do bartenders ever go out with the guys they meet at a bar or is this a huge pipe dream?
Signed,
Hopelessly Devoted at Happy Hour
Dear Hopelessly Devoted,
Yes. A bartender is everything you want in a girlfriend: hot, suggestive and in charge of copious amounts of booze. I tended bar for a while and I will tell you this — dating a bartender is not impossible, but it is improbable. And you run the risk of humiliation and losing your favorite seat at the bar if done improperly.
Bartenders are hired guns; dudes are falling in love with this girl nightly. She’s getting asked out constantly. If you are too drunk when you do it, you’re going to fade into the background of idiots. Also, consider the kind of tips you leave this girl. If you leave her crap tips, I honestly wouldn’t even bother.
Start your operation by staying away from the bar for a couple weeks. This will make her wonder where you are. Then, create an over-the-bar relationship that is casual and fun. Also, if you can work in some basic, low-level teasing, that’s good.
DO NOT ask her out like “Hey, let’s get dinner sometime.” Even if she DID want to go out with you, it requires her to follow up on it; it’s just too many details. Be specific. For instance, “Let’s go see the Supersuckers. They’re playing next Thursday.” See? Specific. (And you would have already put the time in to know that she really likes the Supersuckers.)
I would say do it in front of your dudes. This makes it more laid back. It’s risky but you have the opportunity to regroup quickly. If she shuts you down you can quickly laugh it off. It shows you have a sense of humor and you’re not afraid of looking silly. She will either say yes or no. Don’t sweat it. Godspeed.
Dear Jara,
My boyfriend can’t stop getting in fights at the bar. I know he intentionally goes to bars where he knows people will be fighting. He is always caring with me, but I’m afraid he is going to get hurt. How do I get him to stop?
Signed,
Punch Drunk Love
Dear Punch Drunk,
Well, yeah, he’s “caring” with you because you’re not a random dude at the bar. Your dude likes to fight. It isn’t about protecting the honor of a lady or for protection of life and limb. He just likes to fight. So, yeah, he is going to get hurt. You can’t make him stop. He’s an adult. We as women need to start understanding that you can’t convince a guy to change, or do the right thing if he doesn’t want to. He wants to fight. The ball is in your court. Get right with it or pack your stuff. Make sure you have health insurance and get used to blood on your purses if you’re going to stick around.
