Buzzbin is dedicated to keeping our readers intelligent and informed. So when the magazine’s office was recently visited by a rather strange fellow named John Titor, we took notice. John was convinced he was a visitor from the future. We couldn’t find evidence to believe otherwise. According to his garbled bantering, his mission was to inform the masses of future events in hopes of changing the course of history. Here is an outline of Mr. Titor’s predictions… China, the World’s Mad Hatter During the world’s tea party — also known as the G20 summit — China’s President Hu Jintao flips the bonkers switch. After a brief speech in which the President declares himself “the world’s grandest president,” Jintao shows the press Polaroid pictures of his army of weaponized giant pandas. Shockingly, the pandas are pictured in some of America’s most popular zoos. Soon afterward the United States declares giant pandas “instruments of economic warfare.” Apocalypse Now After many years of waiting for the apocalypse, many doomsday cheerleaders are left scratching their heads after the world continues past its December 20 expiration date. Many blame the economy for the lack of doomsday-worthy disasters. After the world’s failed apocalypse, prominent democratic leaders gather the world’s brightest science-fiction writers to brainstorm exciting ways to bring the world to its knees. History’s Long-Lost Secret The History Channel’s hit television show “Ancient Aliens” is exposed as ridiculous by the world’s top scientists and historians. The show’s audience is left in a state of complete shock. Many turn to religion after the show’s cancellation, only to find themselves wondering if Jesus and Muhammad were actually aliens themselves. (Note: The History Channel is owned by Disney. No wonder Pluto is no longer a planet. He’s too busy being a dog.) “Occupied” The Occupy Wall Street movement becomes more ambitious. The group gathers in Philadelphia to elect Occupy representatives from every congressional district in the United States. Those elected meet at the National Mall in Washington, D.C., to discuss ways to overthrow the government. Their “congress” is quickly cut short, however, when it’s discovered that many of the movement’s portable toilets have faulty locks, leaving many trapped inside for days. Mass Media Extinction The World Wildlife Foundation displays 2012 extinctions on billboards around the world. Each extinction is displayed as a yellow smiley face with a bullet hole in the forehead. The billboards cause such controversy that each week WWF adds thousands of more faces to their displays, claiming that many motorists are sending themselves into extinction while rubbernecking to see the billboards. Space Ballz Space sends another world-ending asteroid in Earth’s direction. The world’s governments fail to organize a response due to bureaucratic red tape. Republicans deny the response measures due to “overspending.” Democrats deny the measures because the plan doesn’t include legislation benefiting the middle class. Coincidentally, the asteroid impacts the U.S. Capitol building. I Ran Away from Iran Iran manages to secure nuclear weapons, but not all is lost. Iran’s citizens protest their use and development, and millions take to the streets, many dressed as missiles. Red balloons are also set afloat, symbolizing mutual assured destruction. Iran disposes of its nuclear devices and invests in pandas instead. Yes, Please! Anonymous, the notorious hacker cartel, infiltrates government databases and erases all records of millions of student loans. Although the hacker organization takes credit for the unprecedented move, the news media spins the story in favor of President Obama, who takes credit for forgiving the nation’s student-loan debt. The move secures his second term and his reputation for being the raddest president in history. iMJADED Apple announces plans to release the first ever iHouse — “a house entirely run on Apple products. Your appliances, electronics, doorbell, carpeting and windows will all have crazy, immaculate designs. Your life will work like it’s never worked before.” The first 15 model homes sell out in seconds. Apple’s spokesperson says, “You’re welcome.” The homes also come with a set of pretentious eyeglasses. Be the Bieber Justin Bieber’s reality-show hit, “Be the Bieber,” breaks records. The show pits several wanna-Biebers against each other in death-match-inspired face-offs. Contestants sing, dance, whine and Tweet their way into Justin Bieber-like fame. The winner receives a lock of Bieber’s hair, which contains enough of Bieber’s DNA to effectively manipulate the winner’s own DNA.