I play a lot of video games. A lot. I always cringe when Xbox Live sends me an e-mail telling me exactly how many hours I’ve played the month before. I somehow manage more than 150 hours a month, and that’s not even counting the PS3. Sad, I know. So when I play video games, I just want to grab a pizza, head into my basement, turn on my television and sit on my couch with my dog for the next 14 straight hours, zoning out into some sort of pixel-induced semi-coma. It’s sort of a ritual that I’ve been cultivating for the last 24 years or so. I’m a creature of habit, and I’ve dug mysel...
I’m sure by this point you’ve probably guessed, but I love video games, man. The odds are pretty decent that (sadly) I’m never going to get a chance to murder 15 wrongdoers in a span of 10 seconds while giving exactly zero percent of a shit about it, but in video games it’s an everyday thing. Especially in the Assassin’s Creed (AC) series, where you sneak, kill and disappear so fluidly you’ll think you’re Bruce goddamn Lee. So when Ubisoft announced another full-length AC so soon after the last, I was pumped to give the series another run. “Assassin’s Creed: Revelations”...
In honor of the cinematic classic “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” being released on May 24, 1989, here’s a list of some of the best video games of that year. Tetris Everyone alive today has played Tetris. Fucking everyone. Now, to be factually correct, Tetris was released well before 1989. June 6, 1984, to be exact. But you didn’t play it until it was released as a pack-in game with the Nintendo Game Boy. Or maybe after that on the NES. Or maybe even your cell phone, or iPod, or graphing calculator, or … . SimCity This was the very first game designed by Will Wright, and...
There are three simple reasons to own a PS3. The first is because they are backward compatible, and we all know the PS2 was the greatest video game console ever, with the Super Nintendo Entertainment System coming in a very close second. The second is to kill basically everything in the most brutally unholy fashion in the “God of War” trilogy. The third and final reason you should own a PS3 is the riveting “Uncharted” series. In “Uncharted” you are Nathan Drake, who’s a lot like Indiana Jones, and you traipse around the world to exotic locales looking for lost archaeological ...
Batman. Frikkan Batman. A superhero with no actual superpowers kicking, except the straight shit out of large groups of people with just his bare hands and some gnarly gadgets. A normal guy — albeit a billionaire — who trained himself to the peak of mental and physical perfection in order to fight crime after witnessing the murder of his parents. Who doesn’t love that? The Dark Knight, as we now think of him, was largely shaped by Frank Miller in 1986’s “The Dark Knight Returns,” a four-issue limited series. Miller rescued Batman from the campy ’60s and ’70s versions of “B...
Any micron of respect that anyone reading this article may have possibly had for me is about to be pantsed and given the dreaded Rear Admiral. At 11:45 p.m. on Monday, September 19, I stood in line with my fellow dorks getting soaked by a torrential downpour outside the local mall because I absolutely needed to get my hands on a copy of “Gears of War 3” at midnight. I realize how terribly nerdy that is. This is coming from a guy who tries to get his girlfriend in the mood by telling her how fast he can complete a Rubik’s Cube. I will tell you this, however: If you’re ever feeling do...
Remember that time you saw a trailer for that new movie coming out that looked so incredible that you had to run immediately to the bathroom? So, of course, the next time you hang out with your friends you suggest that you all go to see it. But instead of the unbridled enthusiasm you expect, they look at you like you have lobsters crawling out of your ears. One of them even goes as far as to question your taste in cinema. So you’re stuck going to see it with your mother, or that guy from work who smells like broccoli. But the joke ends up being on your stupid friends, as the movie kills, lik...
The first video game that I ever truly loved was the original Final Fantasy for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Still have it by the way, including the box. Jealous? I absorbed everything I could about that game, which was kinda tough considering this was long before the internet and video game walk-through sites, so I held on to my “Nintendo Power Official Final Fantasy Strategy Guide” like it cured cancer. When I finally beat it, I felt like I was the greatest man in history, a feeling that has never left me. In fact, I blame that game for turning me into the raging gamer nerd that...
It's great to have football back, right? I mean, if I had to spend all my Sundays this fall with my loved ones instead of laying around face deep in some horribly greasy food watching the Brownies in my underwear, I'd be liable to kill myself. So, go grab that brown and orange gear out of your closet, its football season! It's no secret the Cleveland Browns are starting a youth movement with the way President of Football Operations Mike Holmgren and General Manager Tom Heckert are constructing this team. On draft night, they made several key moves that strengthened the current, and much mor...
SOCOM 4: U.S. Navy Seals This PS3 exclusive third-person shooter from Zipper Entertainment is very middle-of-the-road: You lead a team of highly trained soldiers into somewhere for some reason. It all gets pretty muddled pretty quickly, needless to say, and there are betrayals, huge firefights and stealth missions, but nothing to write home about. If you absolutely cannot get enough third-person shooters, check this title out. If you want a little something new, or even some improvements on the old, pass on this one. 5.5 out of 10 Dungeon Siege 3 DS3 is a dungeon crawler from Obsid...
It’s increasingly difficult to shock gamers nowadays. We’ve seen it all: drugs, nudity, excessive violence and murder, and the blood has just gotten thicker and more realistic over the years. Once we thought we had been completely desensitized to it all, Infinity Ward deemed it wise to have us mow down an entire airport full of unarmed citizens. Yeah, it’s safe to say the envelope hasn’t just been pushed — it’s been torn in half and set ablaze. This hasn’t always been the case. After all, Modern Warfare 2 wasn’t exactly on the shelf next to Space Invaders. It’s been a lon...
Brink Oh dear God, this game sucks. A new shooter from Bethesda that completely misses the mark. The single-player campaign is really a multiplayer campaign, and a bad one at that. If I was made to choose between playing “Brink” all the way through again or having my house set on fire, I would have serious considerations on both sides. Long story short, I wouldn't hit my dog in the ass with this game. 1 out of 10 Outland A new Xbox Live Arcade platformer from Ubisoft/Housemarque. Great throwback game — tons of unlockables, great puzzles and super-tough old-school boss battles. Mo...
“L.A. Noire” is Rockstar Games’s newest edition of their long, acclaimed line of sandbox crime drama games — only this time, you’re the cops, not the robbers. Heavily influenced by the film noir genre, this gritty and graphic game feels like a love letter to those 1940s cinematic gems. As Cole Phelps (portrayed by Aaron Staton for TV’s “Mad Men”), you play a young detective on a fast track to the top in the Los Angeles Police Department in 1947. Phelps, a good-hearted but flawed man, served as an officer in the U.S. military during World War II, a back story presented in...
Is it just me, or are about 80 percent of recent games first-person shooters? And for every must-play (“Killzone3”, “Black Ops”), there are three that’ll make you cry yourself to sleep just trying to forget them (“Goldeneye 007” for the Wii). Kaos Studio’s “Homefront” falls somewhere in between. Great storyline and fun set pieces, but an incredibly short single-player campaign and unpolished gameplay leave this much-hyped title fighting for air in the overcrowded FPS marketplace. “Homefront”, written by John Milius (“Red Dawn”, “Apocalypse Now”), starts of...
Slayer’s 1988 LP “South of Heaven” is an all-time classic, an undisputed metal masterpiece. It’s absolutely brutal while still remaining technically proficient. Damn near perfect, but it’s not “Reign In Blood” (Killzone 2) — which IS perfect, widely regarded as the greatest metal album ever. When “South of Heaven” was released as a follow-up to 1986’s “Reign”, it had impossible standards to live up to. No matter how mind-blowingly good it was (which it completely is), it would never be “Reign In Blood”. The only negative of “South of Heaven” is being second...
The original Dead Space did strange things to me. It was creepy, addicting and fun. Also unsettling. Oh, and unnerving. And creepy again. In fact, just grab a thesaurus and look up scary; that’ll give you a good general idea of how I felt playing. Remember when Wendy was running through the hotel to get away from Jack towards the end of “The Shining”? Around every turn she saw something stranger? Well, Isaac Clarke is Wendy, the USG Ishimura is the hotel, Jack are the necromorphs and the strange shit around every corner is strange shit around every corner. It’s everything you could ...
You’ve got to love Ezio Auditore da Firenze. An Italian ladies’ man born into a wealthy family of deadly assassins involved in an unseen Texas death match with the Knights Templar. A smooth killer, feared fighter and dangerous leader, Ezio is the Renaissance 007. Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood is the newest installment into Ezio’s life and times, and Ubisoft is really picking up steam. Brotherhood picks up the story right where AC2 ended, right after Minerva (yes, THAT Roman goddess of wisdom) finishes her long, winding diatribe against our buddy, the Sun. Which, of course, follo...
War. War never changes. Neither does Bethesda's stranglehold on the open world action role-playing game genre. Think about it: Can you name three action RPGs that are better than Fallout 3 or Oblivion? No, you can't do it. Then again, can you name three action RPGs off the top of your head, period? Probably not. It's a genre that doesn't exactly hold a huge chunk of the market share. So when a game comes out with Bethesda's name on it, you can be sure it’s a safe bet. The story starts out simple enough: Your character, a courier with a mysterious package, bein...
I am going to admit something that will probably result in serious blowback in the form of death threats and strongly worded emails from angry gamer nerds everywhere- I have never been a fan of the Halo series. Yes, I realize that is blasphemy to most of you Halo fans out there (especially those of you who helped Reach gross over $200 million opening day) and you probably just punched your limited edition Master Chief action figure in disgust. Look, dear reader, I am fully aware that the original Halo was a total game changer in 2001 but the rest of the series brought nothing n...
